Jaded Intentions

One of my most perplexing anxieties not to everyone else but also myself has been what happens when someone at my size gets comfortable with her sexuality (and my reference here is specifically to the body standards). Now I don’t mean to go on and rant about how one needs to be body positive or  harp on or whine why we need this, it’s just that I have been quite comfortable with myself. Sure there are instances where I'm taken aback but that’s more to do with the label it comes with -easy lay, BBW, the fetishism, Thicc, Big Booty, chunky, flabby, plump, stout, ample,bearish, Big tits etc. Some days I embrace it more wilfully like by using it in my captions ,other days it makes me question my morality. The high's of receiving love from my girlfriends and online readers make me fall in love with myself but only for that minute or in that tiny moment till when that indulgent endorphin, the rush from the bevy of notifications continues to pour in.

Usually, when I start writing, after jotting initial lines I like to see what is out there on our open source-the world of internet. And it made me question rather twice if I must continue to write the subject. Articles surfaced like “How to feel confident and sexy when you feel old, fat and gross” or“Oversized? Here's your guide to sexual bliss”. Or “what-do-you-do-if-you-feel-too-fat-be-desirable”(Yes these are one of the many articles one would find online to motivate them, well at least that's what it preaches).

Using the medium I don’t just want to point out to why it is important but my thoughts are in a whirlpool as to why is it quite regressive as a society that one needs to either be categorized or repress their desires to feel sensual at a certain size.

While I'm known for being quite unspoken I do find it quite unsettling at times to fight it all at the forefront. Why dating a bigger woman also comes with the taboo where one finds it quite hard to introduce them to the world as their equal partners. Whereas it’s quite acceptable to put on weight right after marriage and it is well accepted that you don’t need to look more desirable anymore. While the body type is quite lusted over and seen as fertile ground to bear children if I have put it in the crassest sense, why are we repelled by the visuals of the same?

On my recent trip along with my closest bunch, I shot a couple of images! We honestly did not know what direction we were headed in! Pointed out by our friends as myself and Swati were working on our imagery, we are super confident with what we wear and of our appearances in real life and wouldn't possibly change a thing but why do we feel a need to put ourselves in a perfect mold when we post out our images on social media? I'm still figuring it out, maybe you can help us after all. Sharing a few moments of Intimacy with ourselves.

Shot By Shivya Koch 

Assisted by Aishwarya

Hair Sanky Evrus

Location Sapiem,Royal Villa

New Years Eve Makeup Tutorial | Quick & Easy Holiday Party Makeup Look |...

Real Conversation I - Talking about Self esteem,Plus size modelling Opportunities in India & My Global Dove Project #ShowUs

Real Conversation I - Talking about Self-esteem, Plus size modeling Opportunities in India & My Global Dove Project #ShowUs

One of those perfectly gloomy days I really don't know if I should be blaming the monsoon but the melancholy has surrounded me over 15 /20 days now...heck as I write it down I feel even more. Is it to do with the fact that I am home for my summer vacations(Yes I'm one of those people pursuing a job that allows me summer vacation-For those of you who do not know I'm a lecturer -an adjunct one for Pearl and NIFT Mumbai).
Do you see what I did there? I tried to make myself better by spelling out my profession through and through, Sometimes I feel it's become a complete extension of my demeanor & possibly the only thing that makes me happy about my existence.

I have been severely anxious lately. Writing this blog after September 2018 when I last shot with Rohed and I was talking about relationships! If you missed it I am linking it here.

One of the reasons why I stopped writing was also because I felt I wasn't writing stuff that would be
-is there a takeaway for you guys?
-I kept wondering who is actually reading it?
-in my headspace, I was creating content but in all honesty, it was just all the work that I was being offered and I kept posting that and made myself feel very occupied.

Despite the hiatus, I feel I need to get back? Why, you may ask. Some major life changes happened for me over the early start this year. I had been shooting with DOVE past November and that in my head was absolutely beautiful and also something that was saving me from creating my content. I also want to spell out today what exactly was I doing with them.

Part 1: Shot in India by photographer Prarthana Singh - Yup I was lucky to be photographed by her.
Most of you ask how I ended up getting the project honestly it just happened for me. From what I can recount -Dove, Girlgaze, and Getty Images were looking for different stories of women throughout the world for a better representation of women in media that would form a library and can be used commercially by anyone once they paid for it through Getty and had a wide array of women not just by their skin colors, looks, professional and sexuality-wise.
I beg for you to agree that the Media is a big exposure not only to younger girls but also women our age and our mothers who subconsciously are exposed to the unwarranted standard of what an Indian traditional beauty must look like-taut fair skin, Petite by all standard and long dark hair! You see our self-esteem is developed due to how we view other people reacting to us. I give my due credit to Supriya(supaarwoman on IG,must check her work out) who gave my number to Prarthna and then I was selected by the international team with my photographer consent, once they had shortlisted me and heard my story ofcourse.

It was shot in November-the idea was to cover a day in my life. We started early at 6 am -from the morning walk with my dad to my workspace to how I stepped out for a blogger event. Nothing was positioned and it all happened in the natural setting. Of course, I did change my outfits 5 times that day. This project has been released under the hashtag of #ShowUs and you ladies can still contribute to the Getty library. We had to abide certain rules-there could be only retouched of light but no skin, no photoshop to make me look bigger or smaller and absolutely no filters! Currently, 70% of women report that they don’t feel represented in media and advertising. You can’t be what you can’t see, so I have set out to change that by partnering with @girlgaze @dove and @gettyimages on Project #ShowUs. Alongside 116 female-identifying and non-binary photographers across the world, we have photographed 179 diverse, beautiful and complex womxn who we believe represent the change we want to see in the beauty industry. Our rallying cry is join Project #ShowUs.Sharing some of the images below:

                   

Cut to Jan I'm on my way to London and had the most amazing 3 days with the crew right from amazing production people-Gaby you have my heart! To the entire costume team headed by George, that sourced such an amazing variety -I mean sorry to the teams I have worked with in India you had nothing on them-I was given options! It was absolutely liberating-I yes 'I' got to choose what I could possibly wear and to me that feeling was surreal! I also happen to meet Simmone there who was another fellow Indian lady that was selected for the campaign. 

The campaign was supported by the likes of Shonda Rhimes and has currently won Silver at Lions film festival. Come April the campaign was released and I was lauded by Kayaan Contractor and Oh boy oh what was that feeling? Sharing the link to the video and images of my trip below. The trip has been the greatest gift to not just me but been a bigger part of this community that we keep harping about. It shall really bring about the change I believe in.

Also building upon my earlier statements as to why I had stopped blogging/why wasn't I writing anymore?

I have always been pitched and would like to think of my self as a body-positive blogger but all I had started doing was collaborating-yes it's a mean of income but I want to do something for myself, as a hobby and outlet to vent my feelings. This blog is a virtual diary and I am in no competition to any of my plus bloggers/influencers or models. I'm sorry but I had really not like to be a part of rat race anymore-I don't go on and fetch for brand collaborations myself. If it comes my way I'm happy to talk about it but I'm deliberately not going to ask someone. No, I haven't started to feel way ahead of myself or have any arrogance it's just that I don't want to care about my curation so much. I shall still stick to the aesthetics but I have never cared about the numbers and never will. This picnic I truly did it for myself. I got all my favorite things made a picnic basket and enjoyed my time. I worked with Shivani and Siddhi and that gave me so much confidence in front of the camera and behind, I really enjoyed myself and wasn't pressured to do certain things in a certain way. And this is what I created with them.

On a side note, I also understand what has been making me feel better

-puppy and baby videos, to be fair I always loved them but maybe it's the biological clock kicking in

-I'm open to the idea of getting arranged married yup just warming up (I need to still weigh this one down)

-I love watching Cornel(the choreographer's) Bachata video-I find it immensely calming so weird

-also been addicted to bombil fry which is definitely not a preference in a Bengali-Punjabi household (only because it's a seawater fish-yes we have that kind of discrimination and I was snooty about it too) and I think I need to thank Sanky for introducing me for this one.

-I have become more appreciative about my parent's.Both their health's are declining at a pace I am honestly learning to cope up and it's hard to be alone doing this.

And trust me if you can love me you can love yourself-I heard this Lizzo say at a concert and this is exactly what I had like to quote to you guys. The messages that I get I'm honestly so overwhelmed by it that why would you want to be like me - and I really stand by this you have to be the best of you. Love each part of yourself than more the other-only you will put yourself up on a pedestal and let people follow! I don't want you to be anything like me-I'm sorry but yes I really don't. You can be YOU and really that is the best kind of idols you want to have. Iw ould definitely say around yourself with really positive people (even if they are not happy all the time - like me :P I know this is going to be difficult but a good brick always sticks around and I'm counting on you.

This picture sums my musings for today.More in the next post, hoping to write more often and for those l'il birdies that come and read here. A big Thank You!

Love,Lust & Friendships ft.WORDSWORTH

After my extreme amount of  PDA in pictures on Instagram I hope this has worked as a perfect bait to get you on to my -well what I would call it the DIRTY LAUNDRY blog post. Yes, I did con you into coming and reading this...you can leave now or stay and know why I did this in the very first place and bit by bit.

Sidenote: I also am going to reply to all your polls and queries with screenshots!

I'm going to be extremely honest I have been the victim of having to deal with people sharing unsolicited opinions about my relationship. Even more so when I'm the broader end of the spectrum(literally) of a  mixed-weight relationship, you really get an earful.

I have always believed relationships for me have been like my old cotton underwear maybe ..you only flaunt them to your really close family that sees it hanging on the clothing line after it couldn't get through a dry spin! Yet you can't let it go because it is your comfiest pair. Couldn't have come with a worse anecdote really! But that's how I woke up feeling today. I have certainly become no relationship expert overnight but I have had my own share of ups and downs of a lifetime.

To the most definitive time, I'm sure I have been pushing myself to write this blog but haven't have come around it And spare me today if I sound so crass but I really do intend to speak my heart out. The blog post today is notdedicated to my relationship, my story or my dating life in general. I may be open to the fact that how much I have used tinder or bumble in the places I have traveled to but I have always believed keeping my personal life to myself. 

So many questions- is he your boyfriend? How are you dating? Aren't you too fat for him? Too ugly? Oh, wait there was even a question that said differently beautiful people? Where did you even find him? How did you get him to like you?      

Now I don't mean to lash out at my readers because well it is the curiosity and I know for a fact that everyone been tired of seeing me and Sanky together where nothing would ever materialize but really it's a body positive fashion blog where I take upon my rants on clothes, lifestyle product, and my travels!

I only write this with such strong sentiments today to give people reaction to their questions. Why does everybody feel there is a need to judge a mixed size couple? Does my body isn't enough of ground to make off that it also needs to seep into my personal life. Do I need to date a fat person 'cos I'm fat?

I know many of us to hold fast the idea that opposites attract, but in reality, couples are usually more similar than dissimilar and there’s a wealth of evidence and even more science to the mindset that couples match on intelligence, attitudes, and physical attributes such as attractiveness and height. Walking upon to people on the street and judging the idea random couples has never been my thing (Yes, I’m extremely giving them a mental makeover in my head ) but not judge what their relationship could be. I have had my own share of stumble and guessing games gone wrong to which it dawned upon why did I really have to guess it, in any case, …it isn’t like my opinion would make a difference it would only lead to more awkward silences. Avoiding bringing up my notions on things that aren’t my outlook not only lead to more pleasant conversations but more promising relationships in future.

Now because everyone has been super curious about my dating life, I will bare it all! Like all post, we will touch upon the little history that I have had with boys and Men in general. Now I ‘m not the girl that enters the class or any vicinity and everything start shining. There are girls like that, are a perfect rose but I’m a freaking sunflower or an amaryllis [case in point referencing Sierra Burgess is a loser]. Nobody even knew of my existence really. First heartbreak and being dumped at 15 I felt it too. But it became such a mandate to have a boyfriend a crush I try too hard really. I resorted to internet dating- catfished at 15 ...yup I did that! Too much of a secret to contain, now that I look back at my secret life of a “teen at 15” I do realize how overwhelming it all was. Because of bulimia & hiding it away, I spent way too much time in the bathroom and under the bed. It was my favorite hideout; it seemed to make everything go away. 

High school was the perfect struggle, bachelorette degree seemed like trying too hard at everything and the late bloomer that I was in almost every aspect well it’s not hard that I had my very first steady relationship at 21. Yup that’s right I possibly couldn’t think of being the coveted childhood sweetheart as much as I wanted to.

One thing that I have really learned after getting my heart broken well let's just say, several time, I have nailed the recipe to bring my mojo back. I have learned for a fact that once you come in a committed relationship it isn’t just about you two alone, a couple doesn’t live in a vacuum and thus we are all are the preys of social commentary. Whilst there is no official data to quantify the proportion of men who fetishize fat women’s bodies, there is a lot of anecdotal evidence to suggest that it’s a thing.

Men dating me have been seen as the sort that fetishizes fat woman …what’s worse is the term BBW being used in the worst of sense and landing up on porn sites when it really just means BIG Beautiful WOMEN.

I know we cannot stop the reckless advice or opinions from the society or try and develop thick skin ‘cos let’s just face it everyone and anyone at some given point of time will have a problem and even a say on your relationship (the look and advises, really) but I can promise you one thing that wouldn’t affect you until you let it get to you. It’s a 24 x 7 commitment of understanding and unspoken words, sentiments that even the slightest gesture conveys it.

Coming back to my relationship I cannot comment but let’s just start with we are really good friends and those of you who loved his screen presence you will see him a lot more – he is a model and an actor.

Now I want to answer to all the questions that were asked on my poll and via DMs, I have taken the liberty to screenshot and put it here but one particular message really touched me and I felt so deeply for her

This message made my heart sink,I know I have been that girl in your shoes.Even after writing this 2000 words prolonged post I have so much angst and so much I want to tell! Every influencer/friends/close relative that I have spoken to have felt the very same as you and me.I honestly feel and have only one thing to say to you each one of comes with our flaws,we are anything but righteous in any sense.The boy likes you for who you are and that is the reason why he is with you in the very first place to begin with.I feel not a cent percent confident when I'm without any clothing on..you know everybody sees me as a confident woman but my very essence lies in the fact as how I learnt to style my clothes.Now take that very essence away and in that stark nakedness of not only my fat rolls and empty thought I feel extremely deprived, someone who is not worthy of anyone's love!We all go through it and the only way we could possibly come over with is swallow the bitter tablet where we bereave ourselves of love and watch our own precious self the way our partners do! Although one should never measure their worthiness by the love that they get from their partners but it's definitely means the world when you have arms wide open to welcome you back home. I think you are extremely capable and lovable,try and see if you enjoy working out with him or anything else that you want to do with him.If not,there's no rulebook which needs you to like and do the exact same things as he does.
If you are reading this today (and every one whose felt the same way) please reach out,I may not have a solution to your problem but a patient ear to listen to you.
Takecare my baby-girls and boys
XoXo

Adorn it your way #MySareeMyStory

What women wear can be and has been the subject of intense debate and discussion in the world. But there are as many nuances to this conversation as there are pleats in a sari because describing something “authentically” Indian — be it food, custom, lifestyle or attire — is a sure fire way of sidelining at least some regions, social classes or ethnicities. Sari — a rectangular piece of unstitched cloth — has been draped in hundreds of styles over hundreds of years in the parts of Indian subcontinent, differently by different communities and social echelons- a few years back had someone approached me I would be completely decline to wear any on the pretext of how heavy it would make me look – or well I had just be an amma. For everyone, it’s their mothers and grandmothers that showcase the exuberance of textile.I knew of the special occasions ringing the bell when my mother wore shaka–poula and her lal paara sari. For me, it wasn’t until I met my best friends Sanky and Sourav who taught me how the sari can essentially be draped and look amazing for each body type. I learned to embrace myself and how magical the piece of textile can yet literally be like water that adapts to each vessel. When I was younger, I got good at pretending to fit in. Talking about things I didn’t care about, doing things I didn’t necessarily enjoy, and making myself appear “normal” when I’m so clearly anything but. As I got older, I learned to embrace more of what made me unique and different, and learned how to be more of myself and exist in a space of truth and authenticity alongside everyone else.

But really not for the sake of posting I have had more sense of belongingness whenever I have adorned this 6 yards of cloth around me. I remember doing Craft Councils exhibitions and how all of these ladies would come to me and appreciate my sense of style even though I still wore it in a very different manner than what norm calls for I felt like I belonged with them. The black sheep that fits right like the yin to the yang.

With brands like Craftsvilla coming up with an initiative so dear that appeals to everyone's palette I personally feel they are carving a niche so good that let us find our identity that so desperately is needed in a country that is well just a really diligent mixed of extraordinarily confused minds. Letting  each woman and insisting on the fact that one should adorn the saree in their own way is what won my heart truly in this campaign. Here's how I draped it I wore the saree as usual but I draped mine as usual only taking the pallu underneath my top and layering with a tasseled jacket seen as a throw over my shoulders. No accessories just a good blowout in my hair and a pair os block studded heels I would wear it everywhere from my work to events.

I think the drape also works great for people with a pear-shaped body or if you are looking to add some definition without any belt. The peplum hemline basically helps me cinch in the waist naturally and take care of my muffin tops too.

Here’s hoping everyone find their 6 yards of love.

Redefining Ethical with Sikhat

Who knew ethical fashion could look this good, honestly I’m all for sustainable fashion where they actually just don’t plaster “cotton & handcrafted” and sell it as ethical. Even though I am a pretty seldom user to ethical fashion I have worked as an industry long to know my fair trade fabrics -procurement/growth & the final translation into garment. An anti-fit garment doesn’t justify it being the new indie sustainable brand.  With a sudden surge of available brands it often becomes quite the task to know your ethnical fabric and eventually garments. Surveys repeatedly show that there has been-and indeed continues to be tremendous confusion over the sustainability impacts of cultivating and extracting textile materials. Synthetic fibre is seen as “bad” and natural fibres as “good”. This preconception is influenced by a complex set of factors influenced by a complex set of factors including raw material renewability, biodegradability and stereotyped associations made with chemicals, factories and pollution.

Certainly there is no dispute to the fact that producing synthetic fabrics impacts on people & environment, natural fibre cultivation can also cause a substantial amount of negative impact.

 Let’s clear the air with my understanding and in simpler words - When I say "sustainable" and "ethical", I am referring to fabrics that were produced in a manner that was respectful of people and planet as verified by internationally recognized certification, such as the Global Organic Textile Standard (GOTS). ^1* So it’s quite important that we understand that essentially that when brands say they use only cottons they aren’t being ethical or conscious. We need to understand the source of it- we often think of cotton when talking "sustainable" and "ethical" fabrics, but other examples are bamboo (although, it turns out bamboo fabric is sadly not so sustainable after all) and hemp, as these come from plants that require little water or pesticides and regenerate easily. 

A revolution is  underway in today’s organizations, labels and even designer labels. Today I’m introducing a quaint homegrown talent for their label Sikhat.

I don’t think modest fashion comes to me very easily now. Growing up I always have had flabs but I was never refused or asked to stick to one kind of clothing- which basically incase of us fatties( as known forever) is Kurta and  uglier reformations of tunics. I’ m done away with modesty having said that I’mreally comfortable wearing everything and anything as long as it fits in my vision and also through the fact as too how many ways I could possibly style it?

 So when I was approached by @labelsikhat I honestly was a little too apprehensive. Now don’t get me wrong I love people who can really have the sense of style which I want to channel but fail to.

Probably also because I’ve grown extremely comfortable in my skin. As people talk about influencer and I had quite intriguing revelations yesterday on my live session I really do wonder what kind of influence am I? 

More than letting you know what to wear and what not to I really just want you to know it’s your body and your opinion so please whatever you like. I do not by any means want to promote the fact that one needs to wear makeup, don wigs or wear extremely skimpy clothes all the time. I try and strive to wear and try everything-there is no do’s and don’ts I would want you to follow. It really is my fashion diary that I like to share with you guys. Coming back to #labelsikhat it’s not some brand that approached and we got to barter n just do the shoot going. It’s really the team that put heart into hearing me out and making me that perfect dress. The underlying boho lineage and the comfort just tops everything besides the price point.

I picked up two outfits from the label-a dress and a tunic. I styled them in quite different ways visibly. The length of the tunic was comfortable to be worn over a pair of distressed shorts and cinched in with my conch shell belt and pair of beaded flats. So my inspiration was taking boho-an eclectic intergalactic boho really and added such accessories and makeup to complete the look. I have used flash tattoos or my eye makeup too and really played around with summer colours for my look.

For my second look I really like it more toned down since the outfit in itself speaks so much – the tulip sleev details and the ruffles on the dress. What I really loved about the dress is that it looks like a cord set. But just one garment that you can take from desk to dinner.

The label is run by two lovely sisters who really put their heart and head into making ethical garment and we can only do so much as help them out by support them. What’s even makes it a sweeter deal is that they have a zero waste policy –they recycle every bit .They even send me a sweet little fanny pack that I shall be using for my travel super soon.

Another adventure coming real soon ,hope you like the post and let me know what do you think honestly?

See you soon my peaches

XoXo

🍑

My quick escapade with Beach Box Hotel

I had the opportunity to get away for a few days –The Bali fever really hasn’t worn off. During my time here in goa I had the opportunity to experience this new property. The All American style motel is upcycled from shipping containers. The detailing about this place is amazing -everything is basically up-cycled and the attention to detail is surprisingly very integral and aware of the space. They have some really good workshop coming up and even an up-cycled shop which you should keep a keen eye on.

The red pool was my sole reason to book the place at first, it as picturesque as it looks. It is smaller in size than it appears to be in the picture but it was definitely a different experience to take a dip in may I say, blood pool. The superior room was my comfort level with the absolutely adorable copper lined bathroom.

 Talking about the location, the resort sits along the picturesque Baga River, on the seaward side of Baga Bridge (may I say the right side of Baga and away from the hustle bustle). I particularly liked it sitting between Baga- Arpora lane.

I have to appreciate the restro-bar way beyond! It completely exceeded my expectation, take advantage of that offseason and connect with the restro staff - You will be served exquisite Goan styled meals or for that matter even juicy burgers! Just make sure whenever you are ordering the seafood you ask them a day prior so that they procure the catch according to your liking and marinate it well.

My must-order here is the Prawns Tawa and Rava Fish Fry, also the chicken burger in BBQ sauce! The cocktails are so well priced and the bartender makes it extremely well. I also could make a tiny bit recommendation here with the Pirate's Dream, Vanilla Sky & Good 'Ol Shantaram!.

I think we can do better in terms of lighting - like's there's ample of lighting once you open their large windows which I don't think enable you enough privacy. So lighting - better white light can be installed above the dresser. Windows could have been on the other side of the container which could have given more sunlight and privacy!

Summing it all up I cannot wait to go back for their food and a dip into the red pool.

I'm absolutely looking forward to their new property "River Deck" which should be completed soon and can't wait to be back. Keep up the great work team and thank you for making our stay so comfortable. In an off season as the monsoons I couldn't have chosen a better place, better recommendations to make the most of my short stay! Looking forward to see you soon.

XOXO

p.s. Here's the link of the website my pictures don't do justice to the place, see it for yourself. Also you can catch me on Instagram for more BTS of the Hotel.